Broken Life Preface

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Broken Life Preface Empty Broken Life Preface

Post  Aurora Colette on Tue Nov 10, 2009 5:28 pm

Broken Life Preface ForumFictionRatings_teenplus

Broken Life

How do you learn to live again? How do you learn to trust again? My name is Victoria Michaels, I’m eighteen and am starting college, but how do you learn to trust those around you after a past like mine?
Twelve years ago, my mother died. She was murdered here in San Diego on her way home from a shopping trip. My older brother Alexander was eight and I was six. We were both devastated that she had been killed, our father Robert was furious, and became depressed. After my mom died things in my house changed.

Robert wasn’t much of a drinker before my mother’s death but afterwards he became a drunk when he wasn’t on the clock as Titan Corp’s CEO. Alex, well he wasn’t around much either. He was usually off with his football buddies and other friends, partying. I spent most of my time home alone with Robert, and as I grew older and matured physically our relationship changed.

I started high school and everything continued to change and not for the better. I met my now ex boyfriend Cameron Reed in my freshmen year. He was a junior like Alex. A few weeks after we started dating he took advantage of me at one of the football after parties. Little did I know that wasn’t the first time that had happened.

I was completely broken after that; hating those around me, Robert, and Cameron both for the same reason. But I never did tell anyone about what was happening. I knew the things they did were wrong, but Cameron liked to hit a lot, so if I ever told anyone I was convinced he would beat the shit out of me or them if they tried to protect me. As for Robert, well who would believe that the CEO of Titan Corp would sexually assault his own daughter?

I never told Alex, I knew he wouldn’t believe me plus he was always gone and it only got worse once he left for college, and Cameron would visit me every weekend. So I kept everything a secret, carrying the burden of my broken life on my own.

Once I graduated high school, I packed my things and told Robert that I was leaving and never coming back; I got hit at least twice for that one. I also broke up with Cameron after catching him at home during his summer break with Rebecca James in his living room, and I told him to never come near me again, otherwise I’d finally tell Alex or anyone else what he had done to me.

So here I stand in front of the co-ed dorms of the San Diego State University. And I’m afraid of trying to start a new life. How do you change your past and start to trust people when the only people you thought truly loved you have taken advantage of you?
Aurora Colette
Aurora Colette

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Broken Life Preface Empty Re: Broken Life Preface

Post  Journey Lynn on Sun Nov 15, 2009 12:32 am

Hey there, thanks for posting on Annabel Lee!

This is... not bad, but not great either. I realize it's the preface, but it's a bit too much like a summary. You also do a lot of telling, not showing. I mean to say, even in a story where perspective is first person, a piece of writing quickly becomes uninteresting, and non-engaging to the reader if things are explained with so little illustration. Since the main story is presumably about Victoria getting away from this past of hers, it would set up the story much better to get down in the nitty gritty and really illustrate what her life is like; maybe put together some snippets, like clips of a movie reel of her life up until she escapes, actual scenes of what she experienced. Like the first time Richard touches her, or the beginning and end of her relationship with Cameron, or even a few more details about how her mother was murdered.

If you're trying to go for mystery thing, you don't have to show EVERYTHING right away, but you gotta give the reader something to keep them reading. As it stands, I'd probably set this book back down.

Hope I didn't come across as too harsh, just trying to give a useful critique. Best of luck to you!
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