Broken Life CH1

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Broken Life CH1

Post  Aurora Colette on Tue Nov 10, 2009 5:37 pm


Broken Life
Chapter 1


I stood outside the dorms for a few minutes, watching as students came and went from the building, my wavy black hair blowing in the breeze around me. I was excited to have finally escaped my horrible past, but I was also just as terrified as to what might happen here.

I released a sigh that I didn’t even realize I had been holding and picked up my blue duffel bag and black suitcase from the ground and walked into the building. A small pixie sized girl with long bronze-brown hair that fell to her waist was just walking in at the same time and held the door open for me.

“Thank you.” I said as I followed her in to the building. “Not a problem. I know how hard it can be to get in and out of this place with your hands full.” She said with a cheerful smile on her face.

“I’m April by the way. So do you know which room they’ve assigned you to?” she asked as we walked up the stairs to the second floor. “Tori, and yeah I’m supposed to be in room 13.” I replied stopping mid-step as I hear April scream rather excitedly.

“Oh my gosh! You’re Victoria? Tori Michaels, Alex’s little sister?” she squealed. I sighed softly; I knew this would happen all over again. “Yes I’m Alex’s sister.” I said sounding a little reluctant to confess it. “Oh sorry I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just I’ve heard so much about you, that I couldn’t wait to meet you.” She said as we walked down the hall towards my new dorm room.

“It’s okay; I’ve heard it all throughout high school. But do you mind me asking why you’re so excited to meet me?” I asked as we stopped in front of the door marked room 13. “Oh well because you’re my roommate.” She said as she pulled out a key and opened the door. I stood there for a moment after she opened the door and walked in.

The room wasn’t exactly what I expected it to be. The walks and carpets were a cream color rather than a boring white. There was a tiled section for a kitchen, and a tall table with eight chairs around it in the dining room. In the living room was a couch, coffee table, two side tables, a TV, three different game consoles and a book case full of DVDs, and video games.

There were two other people in the room as well. One was a male, blonde, and he was sitting on the couch watching the television. The other was a female, blonde as well, and she sat at the table reading what looked like a fashion magazine. Both of them had looked up when April cleared her throat.

“Hey guys, Tori’s here.” She announced as she pulled me into the room and closed the door behind us. The man on the couch stood immediately and walked over to us. He had green eyes and a friendly smile. “Clay Turner, nice to finally meet Alex’s baby sister.” I groaned as he said that before he took my duffel bag from me and smiled.
I smiled back politely a little shaken, sure I didn’t know this man but I was still a little nervous to be around males in general. “Nice to meet you too, Clay.” The woman at the table just turned back to her magazine.

“That’s Pheobe; she’s my sister and Alex’s girlfriend.” Clay told me when he noticed my gaze fell on her. “Well why don’t we show you to our room and you can get settled before the other two get home.” April suggested as I continued to look around the room.

I nodded briefly before following April and Clay down the hallway that was off to the right. “Our room is split into four. We have the living room and kitchen area for all of us to share, and then the four bedrooms and two bathrooms. The guys stay on the left side of the dorm while use girls get the right.” April began as she opened another door and walked in with me and Clay behind her.

“Since you and I are the youngest we’ll share a room. Pheobe has her own room at the end of the hall and the bath room is across the way.” She continued. “The guys are similar, Alex has his room and Jaden and I share a room.” Clay spoke as he set my duffel bag down on the bed next to me.

“Jaden?” I asked as he was the only one I haven’t meet or seen yet. “He’s my brother, you’ll like him. He’s very musical.” April said with a smile on her face. “And what about Pheobe she didn’t seem to like me much?” I asked.

“Oh don’t worry about her. If I know my sister she’d just worried that Alex will now have to divide the attention that he usually gives to her with you now. Just don’t let her get to you and everything will be fine.” Clay promised; I just nodded. “Now I’ll let you ladies get Tori here settled in before Alex and Jaden get home, then we can all go out for some food.” Clay said as he turned and walked out of the room.

I sat down for a moment on the bed that I assumed was mine, as the other was already covered in lime green and black and white zebra print sheets. “Alright so first things first we need to get you unpacked so we can see what all you need still, and then we can go shopping.” April said as she pulled up my suitcase from the floor and began unpacking it, fluttering around the room like a pixie.

“Shopping April? Um… I don’t really like to shop.” I confessed as I pulled out some of my clothes and placed them in my drawers. “Nonsense Tori. You live here with me so you and I will be shopping a lot.” April responded as she placed my placed my classic books on the shelves of the bookcase.

“I don’t know April; it’s just that don’t feel comfortable shopping after my mom died on her way home from Christmas shopping.” I shrugged not wanting her to think I was being rude by refusing. “I’m sorry to hear that Tori. But do you really think I’d let Alex’s little sister, and my new best friend freeze just because she didn’t was afraid to shop and buy herself a bed set to sleep with at night?” April asked as she placed her hands on her hips.

I smiled a little; I had never had many friends before let alone been someone’s best friend. “Well when you put it that way, I’ll try not to complain too much about it.” I said. Once we were finished we just sat in our room talking about the different things to do in and around San Diego.

Suddenly the front door opened and closed followed by another door opening and closing on the other side of the dorm. I followed April out of the room and just as we walked into the main room the front door opened again and in walked Alex.
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Aurora Colette

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Re: Broken Life CH1

Post  Journey Lynn on Sun Nov 15, 2009 1:34 am

A quick grammar note: every time the dialogue switches from one person to another, it should start on a new line. Ex:

“Thank you.” I said as I followed her in to the building. “Not a problem. I know how hard it can be to get in and out of this place with your hands full.” She said with a cheerful smile on her face.

VS.

“Thank you.” I said as I followed her in to the building.

“Not a problem. I know how hard it can be to get in and out of this place with your hands full.” She said with a cheerful smile on her face.


The second example is the correct one. This is important, because it makes it 10 times simpler for the reader to keep track of who is saying what.
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Journey Lynn

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Thinking out loud

Post  Poolwater on Thu Jan 21, 2010 12:40 am

Hey, so I was going to tell you what Journey Lynn already did, so now i don't have to. The other thing I wanted to point out is that your dialogue and grammar is very choppy, which makes it hard to read. For the dialogue, I would suggest reading your talking parts out loud, to see if you can actually imagine someone saying them.
“Shopping April? Um… I don’t really like to shop.” I confessed as I pulled out some of my clothes and placed them in my drawers. “Nonsense Tori. You live here with me so you and I will be shopping a lot.” April responded as she placed my placed my classic books on the shelves of the bookcase.

“I don’t know April; it’s just that don’t feel comfortable shopping after my mom died on her way home from Christmas shopping.” I shrugged not wanting her to think I was being rude by refusing. “I’m sorry to hear that Tori. But do you really think I’d let Alex’s little sister, and my new best friend freeze just because she didn’t was afraid to shop and buy herself a bed set to sleep with at night?” April asked as she placed her hands on her hips.

This part doesn't flow very well, and the dialogue is very formal, which isn't how most people talk. I would say something like this (only dialogue here):
"Shopping? I don't really like shopping, April. It makes me uncomfortable."
"Don't like shopping?! How is that even possible? Don't worry, we'll fix you. You're MY roommate, and we are gonna go shopping together. It's, like, tradition!"
"I dunno, April. I haven't liked shopping since my mom died."
"Ohmygosh! I'm so sorry, Tori! But... why would that affect your shopping?"
"She died on the way home from Christmas shopping when I was little."
"That's so sad! God, I can't even imagine... Still, it's not enough to stop me from helping you. I know you don't know me yet, but if you think I'm going to let Alex's little sister and my new best friend freeze in her bed just because she was scared of shopping, I obviously haven't been acting like myself."


Hope this helps a little!

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Re: Broken Life CH1

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