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.::Betrayal::. Empty .::Betrayal::.

Post  Cojo on Wed Feb 24, 2010 12:40 am

.::Betrayal::. ForumFictionRatings_teen

By: Dani Cojo

It was the final battle. And today, I was going to end it. The vampire lords have been terrorizing our province for long enough. Somebody needed to stop them, and I was planning to be that somebody.

I sat in my quarters, looking myself in the mirror. My face was gaunt and pale; the war had taken its toll on my body. My eyes burned with a raging fire, making my deep green eyes ablaze with fury. I heard my sister walk into my room, but my expression didn’t change. I needed to protect her. I couldn’t be someone who showed weakness. Thus, my face was hard as marble; stoic and unmoving.

“Charlese.” I said harshly. She stopped walking toward me. I could see her beautiful reflection in the mirror. Her skin was flawless; smooth as silk and soft as feathers. Her complexion was that of a fine artists masterpiece; no blemishes nor marks, simply a perfect shade of cream.

“Yes, Tristan?”

Her voice sounded like angels singing. The simple melodic tone that escaped her mouth would surely present many suitors in the future.

I turned in my seat and faced her, still hiding my emotions. But I knew she could read my thoughts simply through the way my gaze lingered on her.

“Please, for fathers sake, be careful.”

“No! I want to join you in the war!”

I sighed and shook my head. She had been pestering me this whole time, saying how it’s not fair that I could fight and she had to stay home. But that’s how it was, and I was not obliged to change it.

“It’s not possible.” I replied bleakly. She tried to speak, but I raised my palm and silenced her. “Charlese, you are too young. On the next full moon, you will be turning fourteen. Father needs you to continue our legacy and live a healthy and wealthy lifestyle. If you were to get hurt, Father would have my head.”

I stood up and walked over to her, resting my hands on her shoulders. She looked up at my tall frame, gazing into my eyes. I smiled, feeling my chapped lips crack at the sudden movement.

“I know you want to be strong, I know you want to fight. But it’s just not possible.”

For once in her life, she actually didn’t retaliate. I was surprised when she looked down and nodded solemnly.

“I understand.” she whispered. I felt her shoulder shake and heard her voice quiver. I pulled her close to me and hugged her tight. She rested her head on my chest, fighting back tears. I rubbed her back gently, cooing in her ear, telling her that everything would be fine.

After a few silent moments, I pulled her away and kneeled in front of her, looking up at her.

“Darling sister, do you understand why you must stay strong and protect the home?”

She nodded silently.

“Then you know why I must fight.”

“Then I wish good fortune on you.” she said. I smiled and stood up, kissing her forehead gently.

“Father still thinks I am in my bedroom. He cannot know I have went to battle. You have done such a good job keeping this whole ordeal a secret. If he had known his own kin had been fighting…”

“I know. Don’t worry, Tristan. Just fight.”

I nodded quickly and went to my wardrobe, grabbing my breast plate and chain metal. Charlese helped me dress and kissed my cheek for luck. I grabbed my lance and slid it in my holster. I turned to face her and dipped my head. She did a small curtsey as I ran out into the dark corridors.

Carefully and silently, I slid in the shadows. I used the torches as my guide, following their dim, flickering light down the long hall. I knew it would lead outside the gates. I knew the battle would be raging out there.

Time seemed slow as I came up to the end of the passage. The night outside seemed ominous. Tonight was a new moon, and the stars gave off the only light on the battlefield. I saw fire flying through the air; our bowmen were keeping the enemy at bay with their fire laced arrows. But I knew they outnumbered our small fleet. I ran out into battle and headed toward a small group of warriors, currently fighting hand to hand combat with a group of vampires.

I slid my lance out of it’s holster and brought it down upon a large vampire. My battle cry rung out over the land and drowned out the sound of my blade slicing through flesh as hard as leather.

The beast turned on me, screaming in its natural language. Its eyes were bloodshot with rage, and his face cracked grotesquely as its mouth widened; baring its sharp fangs. The saliva dripped from its mouth and its tongue lashed out in fury. I didn’t back down. I jumped back as it lunged at me, and swung my lance at it’s throat. With one quick, clean swing, its head flew off into the field.

Its screams faded, and its body crumpled before me. The corpse twitched and convulsed as it clawed at the ground. Black and red blood poured from the wound, turning the ground red. Soon, it stopped moving, and I knew it was dead.

I didn’t wait to watch the corpse dry up and dissolve into ash. I turned and headed toward my comrades. I noticed they too had managed to create a small massacre of vampires.

“Report!” I called out as they turned to me.

“A new fleet had been sent in by the air. They swoop down as giant bats, and then transform into their humanoid forms!” a young soldier said. I noticed his face was bruised severely, his right eye swollen and crusted over. A vampire must have gotten to it. Another soldier next to him didn’t look much better. He had a bandage over his right eye as well, the cloth stained with blood. I knew his eye was gouged.

“So, the rumors are true. Well we must recruit more bowmen to fire at the onslaught from the air.” I said as I turned to my good friend, Alexander.

“Go tell the general everything we just discussed.” I commanded forcefully. He nodded and turned, rushing off into battle.

“The rest of us, stay in formation. We must protect the back gate for as long as possible! If they get into the castle, we are doomed!”

My fleet hollered their battle cry, as we ran back to defend the corridors. I saw one small vampire sneaking in the shadows and commanded my youngest soldier to fire. He whipped out his gun and shot three rounds into the beasts chest. It stumbled back and screeched. The bullets did not kill the being, but it distracted it from its original path. I took out my lance and swiftly ended it’s screaming.

For hours, the battle raged. I had lost two soldiers and ordered the wounded to go inside and rest. The vampires were thinning, but we were as well. I had Alexander at my side, as well as the young soldier with his eye gouged out. The three of us were fighting had to had with a small group of vampires when I heard a loud crunch. I flinched and felt the weight of the young soldier fall against me. I stepped back and quickly glanced at his twisted neck. Blood covered his armor and spilled from his mouth. I knew he had died in honor of fighting for his country.

I screamed in rage and attacked harder, making sure no one else died at the battle. Alexander stood beside me, and we held off the small army. It seemed like hours passed, but in reality, I knew it had only been a few minutes. The vampires had backed off and were conversing in the shadows.


I turned to Alexander. His chest was heaving up and down as he tried to catch his breath. His ice blue eyes pierced through me and his silky black hair was drenched with sweat and blood.

“Yes, Alexander?”

“Why are you doing this?”

I was appalled. “What do you mean!?” I demanded.

“You royalty! You need to survive as much as Charlese!”

“I told you why I’m doing this!” I said, stepping closer to him. He was a good head taller than me, so I had to stand on my tiptoes and look up to stare into his eyes. I jabbed my finger into his chest and shoved him back a bit. “I’m doing this because someone has to stop this! Someone has to-”

“People are fighting! People are dying to save your lives!” he yelled, holding my down. His hands clenched around my shoulders forcefully. “Don’t you understand?” he whispered fiercely.

I was silenced by his forcefulness and looked down. I nodded and looked back up at him calmly.

“My father is too afraid to fight. So I’m taking on the honor to fight alongside my kingdom.”

Alexander observed my face, noticing my resolve. He smiled and nodded, “Yes. I know. I’m glad to have you beside me fighting. We’ve been the best of friends for so long. It’s only natural. But please understand, I don’t want to lose you to these beasts.”

I chortled, “You have nothing to worry about. I’m as skilled as you. I can fight them off just as well as anyone else out there.”

I heard a screech in the distance and spun around. I noticed the army rushing toward us. I grabbed my lance and got ready to battle, as well as Alexander. This was the final battle. I would prevail.

I rushed headfirst into battle, facing off many vampires at once. I grabbed my gun, shooting with my left had as I swung and decapitated those who were in my range. Alexander was doing the same, and the two of us were easily killing off many vampires. However, they had recruited many more, and we fought like this for an hour. The assault never ended, and the two of us were growing tired from fatigue and constant fighting. Blood and sweat dripped into my eyes and my arms and legs ached and burned. I wouldn’t let this stop me. I had to protect Charlese and my Father, but mostly my Mother. Mother had died from a vampire years ago, and I was determined to avenge her death.

Soon I came face to face with a female. Her eyes were a bright red the pierced the darkness. I swung at her harshly, ready for the sound of her flesh ripping into pieces. I was stunned when my arm suddenly stopped in midair. My eye widened as she caught the blade in her hand. I saw her blood drip down her arms as she ripped my weapon from my hand. She lunged at me, fangs glinting in the starlight, but I was able to whip out my gun and shoot her directly in the head. She froze and screamed, clawing at her face to get the bullet out.

I dove for my lance and spun around as she lunged at me again. I jabbed up as she was over me, feeling the blade slide through her ribcage and plant itself into her heart. Blood bubbled at her mouth and dripped onto my already bloodstained clothes as she crumpled over me and dissolved into dust. Her blood and dust covered my lance and I realized how powerful these beings truly were. I’m only glad they are easy to distinguish and so easy to kill, so to speak.

I charged into the dense group, screaming intensely. I swung and hacked at the vampire in front of me. He easily fought back and used his speed against me. He was faster than the other novices I had fought, and he was able to swing around me and bite a chunk out of my unprotected arm.

I couldn’t suppress the bloodcurdling scream that escaped my lips. The venom in its fangs soaked into my wound. I thought the burn in my limbs hurt, but this was ten times worse. I felt tears sting my eyes and slide down my face. Alexander came up by me and fired a round into the vampires head, causing it to fall back. He then stabbed the beast in the chest with his sword, ending that battle. He turned to me and guided me out of the battle, where other comrades had come to aid.

“I’m fine!” I yelled over the sounds of battle. He shook his head and took me into a clearing. There were no vampires in sight as he sat me in the shade of a large willow tree.

“Alexander, I’m fine. Let me fight.”

“No. You must get this fixed before you fight again. I don’t want you dropping dead out there.” he said as he ripped off a piece of cloth off his shirt. He bandaged my arm tightly. I winced in pain, but the poison stopped coursing through my veins and my arm was only throbbing with a dull pain.

“Thank you.” I sighed, happy for the relief. I looked up at him and noticed his gaunt face. His brow was furrowed, and his face was tight; his lips were taught and his eyes were sullen and dark.

“What is it?” I asked.

“You’re beautiful.” he replied.

I felt my face flush as the sudden remark. “Pardon?”

He smiled, “I’ve never seen a more beautiful woman in my life.”

I was shocked. Never once had a man ever said that to me. I was in no way as beautiful as my sister. She had a perfect face and gorgeous blonde hair. Her breasts were ample and she had good posture. My skin was scarred and rough and my long brunette hair was pulled tight in a French braid, with wisps of hair hung in my face. My chest was small and my body petite, but clearly defined with muscle. I was in no way appropriate for any man, although Father had told me that I was a beautiful young woman; easily suitable for any man. I was already seventeen and I had found no partner. But now, Alexander, my best friend and love of my life, was saying I was beautiful. I was speechless.

He eyes furrowed more as he looked down. “Tristan, from the first day I saw you, I knew you would be the one I would fall for. And although I tried to fight it, I did. You’re my best friend.” he said as he gazed into my eyes.

I forced myself to form words as I sat there, looking like a dumb princess. “Alexander, this is hardly the time to be telling me this. Were in the middle of a battle!”

He shook his head, “The battle is over now.”

I felt my forehead wrinkle with confusion. “What do you me-”

I froze. I have never felt a pain more sudden and excruciating as this. I looked down and saw his hand gripping the hilt of his short dagger which he had drove into my chest. I looked up at him and gasped. His face was as hard as stone, showing no remorse. I could see the murder in his eyes, but I could see that he did love me. My world was spinning, but I wasn’t sure if it was from the loss of blood or from what had just happened.

He pulled his dagger out and set it beside him. Sighing, cupped my face in his hand and placed a tender kiss on my lips. “Darling Tristan. This battle is over, because the princess is about to die. And without her in the way, the vampires can break in.” he said through a devilish grin; a grin that I had found extremely pleasing my whole life. However, this grin now flashed the deathly fangs that vampires possessed.

I was unable to speak, but I whispered a small “Why?”

He sighed and took off his glove. “The rumors are true. Vampires can fly, they can morph into large bats. But the one that’s even more true…”

He shoved his hand into my chest forcefully, his long claws ripping through my flesh. I felt blood and bile well up in my throat as I stared at him in disbelief.

“…Vampires can, indeed, look like humans and speak in human tongues.” he grunted as he ripped out my heart from my chest. He held it up for me to see; the pulsating organ resting in his palm. I felt myself slipping into the darkness. His face was hard, but love shone brightly in his eyes.

“You….bastard….” I hissed as I fell onto my side, seeing my blood spill onto the soft dew covered grass.

“Tristan, I never intended to fall in love with you when I killed off the real Alexander and took his place in the army. However, that’s what happened, and I’m sorry to have done this. But my allies belong to my parents, the Vampire Lords.” He bent down and kissed my blood stained lips once more, and I saw his eyes flash a bright red as he tasted my blood. That was the last thing I saw as my world went black. But before I died, I heard him say one final thing. Something I would never forgive him for.

“I love you Tristan, I’m just sorry you had to be royalty. Otherwise I would have just changed you in the end.”

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Post  Journey Lynn on Thu Feb 25, 2010 2:50 am

Yay Vampires. X3

One thing that caught my attention was the main character's describing herself. It's definitely good that you're sprinkling descriptions throughout, for the obvious reasons. However, the next step for you would be to work on keeping those descriptions in the voice of the character who is talking, and also just being a bit more creative with how those details are presented in general.

We start the story with Tristan looking at herself in a mirror. But why? Maybe she psyching herself up for the battle. Maybe she's searching for some secret courage that she doesn't feel she has. Maybe she's trying to mold her bitter loss into righteous fury. But she's not going to be thinking of herself in terms of pale skin and green eyes; she's lived with herself her whole life, she knows what she looks like. Maybe instead of making the comment about how her eyes are green, she recalls a memory about someone else commenting on her eyes; to which she could agree or disagree, but be able to elaborate on the color within an actual train of thought.

At any rate, this was a pleasant read, and I look forward to reading more from you! flower
Journey Lynn
Journey Lynn

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Post  Cojo on Fri Feb 26, 2010 3:05 pm

Thank you very much for the critique. I completely understand where you're coming from, and i think that your points are completely true. It would make more sense for her to recall a memory rather than just thinking how green her eyes are. :)

I'm also glad that you liked the fact that vampire were involved in teh story. Most people nowadays can't stand when magical creatures are involved in stories; especially vampires, because of the whole twilight thing. So that makes me really happy.

I plan on changing it up a bit and actually continuing the story; probably from Charlese's point of view on finding out her sister is dead. I might even throw in Alexander's point of view a bit more.

Once again, thankyou for taking the time to read my story, and i'm very glad you liked it! <3

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